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paranoid in your sleep

a Wash+Epsilon FST
[ download ]
[ 8tracks ]
album art by bozuckerman@tumblr (source)

Airbase // Anamanaguchi

[ instrumental ]

Wash knows that something isn't right at Project Freelancer, and every night when he goes to sleep he can't help but feel those lurking suspicions creep into the forefront of his mind -- but at the end of the day, naive as he might be, he tries to be a good soldier, to follow orders. That's what he's here for.

Blue Lips // Regina Spektor

[lyrics]
he stumbled into faith and thought / "god, this is all there is" / the pictures in his mind arose / and began to breathe

And then comes Epsilon. Wash feels a tangled mess of screaming images unfold in his mind, memories that aren't his -- memories of what they've done.

Somnambulistic // Information Society

[lyrics]
some say i'm a narcoleptic / some say i'm somnambulistic / i'll dream of you tonight / i'll dream of you tonight

After the implantation, sleep doesn't come easy for Wash. When he closes his eyes, all he sees is the host of memories that aren't his, and when he dreams, he sees the face of a woman he's never known.

Beautiful Machine Parts 1&2 // Apples in Stereo

[lyrics]
paranoid in your sleep / and you have no voice / silently / paranoid in your sleep and you try to speak

Epsilon digs deep in his mind, feels him out and hangs on tight, and there's no separating him from Wash's mind, not when Wash can make so much sense of the borrowed memories as though they were his own.

Who's Gonna Save My Soul // Gnarls Barkley

[lyrics]
and maybe it's a little selfish / all i have is the memory / yet i never stopped to wonder / was it possible you were hurtin worse than me?

As much as they might be inextricably linked, Epsilon knows that Wash doesn't understand -- he doesn't understand that Epsilon is slowly unraveling, that he needs Wash, right up to the moment he finally kills himself in Wash's mind.

Flagpole Sitta // Harvey Danger

[lyrics]
put me in the hospital for nerves and then they had to commit me / you told them all i was crazy / they cut off my legs / now i'm an amputee goddamn you

After Epsilon's self-termination, that's it for Wash. They lock him away, let him sit trapped in his own mind. Even if the AI is gone, the damage and the memories remain.

Unwell // Matchbox 20

[lyrics]
i'm talking to myself in public / dodging glances on the train / and i know, i know they've been talking about me / i can hear them whisper

They let him out, finally, and Wash swears he's okay, that he can get the job done, but everybody still looks at him like he's crazy. Nobody will take his word for it that he's not.

All I Need Is Everything // Over the Rhine

[lyrics]
and you're whispering to me / it's time to get up off my hands and knees / 'cause if i beg for it, it won't come / i find nothing but table crumbs / my hands are empty / god, i've been naive

Echoes of Epsilon's voice still whisper in Wash's mind, sometimes, and now he's done playing for anybody but himself. He'll find Epsilon, and then he'll be free.

Cats Are Not Lucky Creatures // World/Inferno Friendship Society

[lyrics]
i want to tell you about crisis after crisis / but i hate to bore you / so i swish my tail about and my snout in indignation / and i landed / and i landed on my feet

Wash is a survivor. If nothing else, he knows that about himself by now. He's fought hard, and come out the other end -- maybe not all in one piece, but he's still standing, somehow.

All These Things That I've Done // The Killers

[lyrics]
and when there's nowhere else to run / is there room for one more son / these changes ain't changin me / the cold-hearted boy i used to be

When everything else went to hell, there was always Blue Team. Wash has given up everything in this struggle, given up who he used to be entirely, but they've helped him in more ways than they could possibly realize. And he finds, oddly, that he's all right with that.

Your Next Epic Disaster

a Church/Tex FST
[ download ]
[ 8tracks ]

She's My Man // Scissor Sisters

[lyrics]
some girls wanna hold your hand / and some girls like to pray / well my girl takes her drinks with dust and rusty razor blades

Tex isn't like any woman Church has ever known;she kicks and claws and bites her way through life, and she doesn't stop at his feet.

Coyote // Jenny Owen Youngs

[lyrics]
and i seen the way you eye me up like a chunk of meat, like a chunk of meat gone bad / like you were wishing i was something still worth having / you can go ahead, go ahead and have

Sometimes, though, Tex just feels rotten from the inside out -- she doesn't think Church ever actually sees her for who she is, despite the shit he says sometmes.

Velocity of Love // World/Inferno Friendship Society

[lyrics]
we ended up flipping out, smashing glass, grasping hands, biting lips / falling hard into it / counting coins, swallowing pills, acting up / then passing out right into it / the velocity of love

They barrel into each other with reckless abandon, and everything's a battle, but Church is never interested in playing out the fight.

Enid // Barenaked Ladies

[lyrics]
there were times when i wanted to hurt you / and there were times when i knew that i did / there were times when i thought i would kill you / but can you blame me, i was only a kid

For all their faults, they're keenly aware of everything that's wrong with them -- but it's always too late to apologize, for Church.

Rest in Peace // James Marsters

[lyrics]
let me rest in peace / let me get some sleep / let me take my love and bury it in a hole six foot deep / i can lay my body down but i can't find my sweet release / so let me rest in peace

No matter how many times she might die, Church is always there to bring her back to the edge of life, but he never once stops to consider that she might be better off dead.

Love Me Dead // Ludo

[lyrics]
you suck so passionately / you're a parasitic psycho filthy creature finger bangin' my heart / you call me up drunk, does the fun ever start? / you're hideous and sexy

They're both dead, but neither of them has ever been quite alive, either -- and sometimes Church wonders if the way she loves him is the only thing that tethers him to every new iteration of his life.

Chiisana Tsumeato // GO!GO!7188

[lyrics & tl]
sekai no dokoka ni chiisana tsumeato nokoshitai / douse nara shinu made asobimakutte / kimi no omoide ni chiisana tsumeato nokoshitai
i want to leave little fingernail marks in the world / might as well have a good time at any expense until i die / i want to leave little fingernail marks in your memories

Tex can't control her life the way she does, not when he keeps bringing her back, but at the very least, she can leave her mark.

Burning Bridges // Information Society

[lyrics]
yesterday i said goodbye / to all my old loves and some new ones / hanging 'round my window / whispering "there are things that can't be undone"

It takes countless iterations, looped simulations and buried memories for Church to realize, but the best thing he can do for Tex is to forget her.

Anything Except You and Me

a Wash/York FST for singularityrpg
[ download ]
[ 8tracks ]

Everything is Alright // Motion City Soundtrack

[lyrics]
tell me that you're alright
yeah everything is alright
oh please tell me that you're alright
yeah everything is alright
give me a reason to end this discussion
to fold and divide

C7 // GO!GO!7188

[lyrics & tl]
shinpai na no wa zutto issho isugiru koto
fuan na no wa konna hibi ni naresou na koto
hitotsu dake omoishitta koto atashi wa yowai
hitori ni natta toki jikkan suru
i'm worried about being together with you too much
i'm uneasy about getting used to days like this
the first thing i realized was that i'm weak
when i was left alone, i really felt it

Push // Matchbox 20

[lyrics]
don't just stand there
say nice things to me
i've been cheated, i've been wronged
you don't know me, i can't change
i won't do anything at all

Too Little Too Late // Barenaked Ladies

[lyrics]
one day, this embarrassment will fade behind me
that day, i could think of things that won't remind me
but these days, it's unbearable for both of us
we can't discuss it this way

Let's Talk About Spaceships // Say Hi to Your Mom

[lyrics]
let's talk about spaceships
or anything except you and me, okay?
let's talk about spaceships
or anything except you and me, okay?

Daughter // Vienna Teng

[lyrics]
well it's time to be wise
wise in the ways of the heart
to come out from under the covers
this voluntary state of apart
from the faces, oasis
in this sahara of sorrow
these graces that hold me
it's from you that i borrow

Might Tell You Tonight // Scissor Sisters

[lyrics]
i've been waiting for the day
when i can throw away these numbers that line my dresser drawers and cupboards
start me over
life seems so much slower with your toothbrush by the mirror
can i make it any clearer?

Helix Nebula // Anamanaguchi

(instrumental)

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